big kitty Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I have been getting lot of jokes emailed to me with the election now being over. Most about the new President. So I thought I would start a new post and give everyone a chance to post a joke of the day. I'll add mine here in a few days when I have a chance to go into my email and find one. Anyway enjoy and post away. 2 Quote
snafu Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Twas the Night Before Elections . . . Twas the night before elections And all through the town Tempers were flaring Emotions all up and down! I, in my bathrobe With a cat in my lap Had cut off the TV Tired of political crap. When all of a sudden There arose such a noise I peered out of my window Saw Obama and his boys They had come for my wallet* They wanted my pay* To give to the others* Who had not worked a day!* He snatched up my money And quick as a wink Jumped back on his bandwagon As I gagged from the stink He then rallied his henchmen Who were pulling his cart I could tell they were out To tear my country apart! On Fannie, on Freddie, On Biden and Ayers! On Acorn, On Pelosi' He screamed at the pairs! They took off for his cause And as he flew out of sight I heard him laugh at the nation Who wouldn't stand up and fight! So I leave you to think On this one final note- IF YOU DONT WANT SOCIALISM GET OUT AND VOTE!!!! 1 Quote *NEVER FORGOTTEN*
Anna Perenna Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 This isn't a joke, but it's super-cute: http://justbs.us/members/anna-perenna-albums-stuff-picture240-vote-dream.jpg Quote As always occurred when he quarreled over principles in which he believed passionately, he would end up gasping furiously for air and blinking back bitter tears of conviction. There were many principles in which Clevinger believed passionately. He was crazy.
emkay64 Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 A husband and wife are sharing a bottle of wine when the husband says, "I bet you can't tell me something that makes me happy and sad at the same time." The wife thinks for a minute then says: "Your dick is bigger than your brother's." 1 Quote
emkay64 Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 A guy shopping at the supermarket notices a hot woman waving at him. "Do I know you?" he says, walking over. "I think you are the father of one of my kids," the woman says. "Are you the hooker I banged behind the Chuck E. Cheese's during my son's birthday party?" "No," she says. I'm his math teacher." 1 Quote
Moderators IWS Posted November 14, 2008 Moderators Posted November 14, 2008 A man charges into a bank wearing a mask and wielding a handgun.He shouts "this is a stick-up everyone get on the floor! He proceeds to empty the cash drawers. As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his mask. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts,"Did anybody else here see my face?" The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also. "Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard from a distant corner... "I think my wife caught a glimpse..." . . . 1 Quote One of the consequences of such notions as "entitlements" is that people who have contributed nothing to society feel that society owes them something, apparently just for being nice enough to grace us with their presence.? ~ Thomas Sowell
emkay64 Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 My brother told me this one. It's politically incorrect, but he's an butt hole so...whatever. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? A. Nothing...she's been told twice already. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Yes...i know it's bad.......:eek: Quote
Moderators IWS Posted November 14, 2008 Moderators Posted November 14, 2008 Q: How do you fix a broken dishwasher? A: Smack her. . . . Quote One of the consequences of such notions as "entitlements" is that people who have contributed nothing to society feel that society owes them something, apparently just for being nice enough to grace us with their presence.? ~ Thomas Sowell
emkay64 Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Q: How do you fix a broken dishwasher?A: Smack her. . . . Heehee..... Quote
Members RoyalOrleans Posted November 14, 2008 Members Posted November 14, 2008 Here's another politically incorrect joke... What do you call a black man wearing a suit and driving a Jaguar? - - - - - - - - - - A ni####! Quote http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_5I0M6PKr5HM/SrZiXevwa5I/AAAAAAAAAIo/HZMRBP1nwyI/s200/obama-socialism-attacks-capitalism.jpg It's a mistake to think that poor people get the benefit from the welfare system. It's a total fraud. Most welfare go to the rich of this country: the military-industrial complex, the bankers, the foreign dictators, it's totally out of control. This idea that the government has services or goods that they can pass on is a complete farce. Governments have nothing. They can't create anything, they never have. All they can do is steal from one group and give it to another at the destruction of the principles of freedom, and we ought to challenge that concept. - Ron Paul
hugo Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Little boy: Mommy, mommy, I hate sister's guts. Non-PC mommy: Shut up, and eat 'em whle they are hot. Quote I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. ? Will Rogers
sheik-yerbouti Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 It was quite a few years ago now when we had a spate of Essex Girl Jokes. Essex is a shire in England. Here are a few of the better ones: Q/ What does an Essex girl use for protection ? A/ A bus shelter Q/ Whats the difference between an Essex girl and a walrus? A/ One has a moustache and stinks of fish, and the other is a marine mammal. Quote Don't preach in my school, or I'll think in your church.
eddo Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Why do watches make bad gifts for your wife?? Cause there is already a clock on the stove. Why was Helen Keller a bad driver? Because she was a woman. How do you keep a clown from smiling? Hit him in the face with an ax. What did the canibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped. Quote I hate signatures, so I don't have one. wait....
Moderators IWS Posted November 14, 2008 Moderators Posted November 14, 2008 Why do watches make bad gifts for your wife??Cause there is already a clock on the stove. Why was Helen Keller a bad driver? Because she was a woman. How do you keep a clown from smiling? Hit him in the face with an ax. What did the canibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped. Are those from memory, or do you still have a copy of "Truly Tasteless Jokes"? Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: Two scoops of icecream and one scoop of dead baby. . . . Quote One of the consequences of such notions as "entitlements" is that people who have contributed nothing to society feel that society owes them something, apparently just for being nice enough to grace us with their presence.? ~ Thomas Sowell
eddo Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Are those in "Truly tasteless Jokes?" I need to get me that! lol Those are some of my favorites from theyears. The Helen Keller one is usualy the finale of a bunch of Helen Keller jokes: Did you hear the one about Helen Keller's Grandma? Neither did she. Why was the side of Helen Kellers face burnt? She answered the Iron. Why was the other side burned? They called back. Why were Helen Kellers fingertips burned? She tried to read the waffle iron. Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You would to if you name was mmmrrrrggghhhoop. Helen Keller went to town Riding on a pony. Stucka feather in her hat and called it mmmrrrrggghhhoop. and some extra cannibal ones: Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one looks at the other and says: "Does this taste funny to you?" Two cannibals cannot pass by each other on a narrow bridge. One of them got so mad, he threw his arms up in disgust. :) Quote I hate signatures, so I don't have one. wait....
Moderators IWS Posted November 14, 2008 Moderators Posted November 14, 2008 Are those in "Truly tasteless Jokes?" Yea. There's a whole chapter of just Helen Keller jokes. One of my friends had that book when I was in junior high. . . . Quote One of the consequences of such notions as "entitlements" is that people who have contributed nothing to society feel that society owes them something, apparently just for being nice enough to grace us with their presence.? ~ Thomas Sowell
emkay64 Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 My friends' dad had a book of dead baby jokes hidden with his stash of Hustler mags. Weird....but both were a good read :P Quote
Moderators IWS Posted December 17, 2008 Moderators Posted December 17, 2008 A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!" Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is in a Brazilian, anyway?" :D :D:D:D Quote One of the consequences of such notions as "entitlements" is that people who have contributed nothing to society feel that society owes them something, apparently just for being nice enough to grace us with their presence.? ~ Thomas Sowell
eddo Posted December 17, 2008 Posted December 17, 2008 A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!" Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is in a Brazilian, anyway?" :D :D:D:D lol, I heard this with George W in place of the blonde. Quote I hate signatures, so I don't have one. wait....
Old Salt Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 My friends' dad had a book of dead baby jokes hidden with his stash of Hustler mags. Weird....but both were a good read :P Q. Which is easier to unload - a trainload of bowling balls, or a trainload of dead babies?A. Dead babies. You can use a pitchfork. :eek: :o Quote Been wrong before, could be wrong now, will probably be wrong again. Don't take yourself so dang seriously. ;)
Old Salt Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Boys: Mrs. Jones, can Jimmy come out and play? Mrs. Jones: Boys, you know Jimmy doesn't have any arms or legs. Boys: That's OK, we want to use him for third base. 1 Quote Been wrong before, could be wrong now, will probably be wrong again. Don't take yourself so dang seriously. ;)
Members RoyalOrleans Posted December 20, 2008 Members Posted December 20, 2008 What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas? Leukemia 1 Quote http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_5I0M6PKr5HM/SrZiXevwa5I/AAAAAAAAAIo/HZMRBP1nwyI/s200/obama-socialism-attacks-capitalism.jpg It's a mistake to think that poor people get the benefit from the welfare system. It's a total fraud. Most welfare go to the rich of this country: the military-industrial complex, the bankers, the foreign dictators, it's totally out of control. This idea that the government has services or goods that they can pass on is a complete farce. Governments have nothing. They can't create anything, they never have. All they can do is steal from one group and give it to another at the destruction of the principles of freedom, and we ought to challenge that concept. - Ron Paul
Moderators IWS Posted February 17, 2009 Moderators Posted February 17, 2009 THREE WISHES FROM THE OBAMA FAIRY A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside a Maryland immigration office. 'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children.' The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! 'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.' The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.. PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay. 'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. 'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these tore cloths, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Americans. PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Balt imore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. 'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?' The fairy said TOO BAD, Mac, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.' And she disappeared. 1 Quote One of the consequences of such notions as "entitlements" is that people who have contributed nothing to society feel that society owes them something, apparently just for being nice enough to grace us with their presence.? ~ Thomas Sowell
Old Salt Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 http://justbs.us/members/old-salt-albums-olio-picture141-smile.jpg Quote Been wrong before, could be wrong now, will probably be wrong again. Don't take yourself so dang seriously. ;)
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