joke of the day.

[Old Salt]

My Favorite Animal

My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again.

He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand.

My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

THATS JUST THE WAY IT IS IN TEXAS

 

[RaE]

A cowboy walks into a bar and he realizes it's a gay bar.

But what the heck, he says to himself, "I can really use a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your weewee?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your weewee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies.'"

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'" and gives a wink.

Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN.

 

[Old Salt]

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck... Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

 

[Old Salt]

Chili

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to be sorry chili". Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my a** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch! You need to duche!!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That, of course, set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off, returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Publix. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store...

 

[Old Salt]

I'm not overly concerned about swine flu. Here's my main worry:

? 3 years ago, Chinese calendar - year of the cow.

?..Mad Cow disease.

? 2 years ago, Chinese calendar - year of the bird.

?..Avian flu.

? This year, Chinese calendar - year of the pig.

?..Swine flu.

Next year is the year of the **** - I'm just sayin' . . . .

 

[Old Salt]

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-two years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this!" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife, "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

 

[Old Salt]

MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a

queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and

have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing

the Oprah diet...******.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer--

it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate

touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just

think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your

ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun,

come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such

nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on

BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or

tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a

parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is

his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as

tinkerbell. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy

Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man

there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four

different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might

as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory

space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out

chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other

than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to

tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at

a slow-assed driver or to cut the ***** off. The rest of the time he

needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold

his beer.

 

[Old Salt]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their

soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few

shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior

is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're

selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a

curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice

asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing

pretty well. I see you only have two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them!

 

[Old Salt]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your St. Louis Rams season tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for our country club membership, and monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

 

[Old Salt]

Can't remember if I've posted this before and I'm too lazy to look.

The newly weds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, 'Honey, I'm going to Artie's Tavern to have a beer, I'll be right back'.

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know.... they have frozen glasses....' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors-d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' 'You want hors-d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors-d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. 'But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that....'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN ****. SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES RIGHT HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE F%@& ' MARRIED NOW AND YOUR SORRY ASS IS SOOO NOT GOING TO ANY DAMNED BAR. THAT **** IS OVER. GOT IT, DUMB ASS?'

And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

MARRIED LIFE............MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP.

 

[snafu]

Can't remember if I've posted this before and I'm too lazy to look.The newly weds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, 'Honey, I'm going to Artie's Tavern to have a beer, I'll be right back'.

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know.... they have frozen glasses....' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors-d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' 'You want hors-d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors-d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. 'But my sweet honey... At the bar.... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that....'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN ****. SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES RIGHT HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE F%@& ' MARRIED NOW AND YOUR SORRY ASS IS SOOO NOT GOING TO ANY DAMNED BAR. THAT **** IS OVER. GOT IT, DUMB ASS?'

And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

MARRIED LIFE............MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP.

Wow Deja Vu!

 

[Old Salt]

This Christmas I'm putting mistletoe in my back pocket

so all the people who annoy me can kiss my ass!

 

[Old Salt]

Top ten country-western songs:

10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body but Mine

9. I Ain't Ever Gone to Bed With an Ugly Woman (But I Woke up With a Few)

8. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know its Me

7. I've Missed You (But My Aim is Improving)

6. Wouldn't Take Her to a Dog Fight Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm so Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With my Best Friend, and I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better With Every Beer

and the no. 1 CW hit:

1. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

 

[Old Salt]

Amazing simple home remedies:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

 

[Old Salt]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who This morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone.....everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'...............

So I told her to f**k off.

 

[eddo]

what's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa knows to stop at 3 ho's...

 

[Old Salt]

If Santa answered his letters...

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben good boy all yeer.

YeR FReND,BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a ****ing book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,

I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!

Love, Joey

Dear Joey,

Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby-sitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,

I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.

Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,

It blows my ****ing mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed like Chutes and Ladders.

-Santa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joe's, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who the hell names their kid "Francis" anyways?

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the ****s and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys get made in China . I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing ****tail waitresses' asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table.Hey, YOU wanted to know!

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping yourhouse...

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiny begging crap may work with your folks, but that **** doesn't fly up here. You're getting a sweater....again.

Santa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Mark,

Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

SweetDreams!

Santa

 

[Old Salt]

Two Woodpeckers...

An American woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in America arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The American woodpecker claimed America had a tree that no woodpecker could peck..

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The American woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the American woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The American woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the American woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the American tree, and the American woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

 

[Old Salt]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

********************************************************************

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who

endowed us the sense, reason, and intellect, had intended

for us to forgo their use." - Galileo

*********************************************************************

 

[Old Salt]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.